Moments

Dear Kids,

I've been in kind of a funk lately. I suspect that I'm being too hard on myself, but I can't seem to get past the feeling that I'm failing. Failing as a mom, a wife, in my job, basically just all around.

As I've gotten older I've come to see that failing isn't always a bad thing. You can learn a lot from your failures, and it's actually important to fail at some things in life so you can learn how to pick yourself back up and try again. Unfortunately for me, I've tried to avoid learning this lesson at all costs. I generally try to stick to things that come easily for me, and for better or worse I've been able to coast through most of my life without failing too often or trying too hard.

When I was little, I had a device called a Speak 'N' Spell. It had several word & letter games, but the one I remember the most was essentially a 10 word spelling quiz. It would say the word, and then you had to type it in. At the end of the quiz it would tell you how many you got right and wrong. If you got all 10 words right it would say, "Perfect score."

I loved to hear those words, even as a kid. I hated getting even one word wrong. I'm not sure I can remember why it meant so much to me, but I got so bothered by misspelling even one word that I would turn the thing off as soon as I missed one. I would rather quit than hear it tell me I missed even one question. A little insane, no?

I've grown a lot since then, and I no longer just give up as soon as I make a mistake. But the tendencies are still there. When I know I've messed up somehow my first instinct is to quit, to give up. But now... that's just not an option. More than anything else in my life up until know, you are teaching me persistence. You're teaching me that it's OK to make mistakes. That the world won't end, and your lives won't be ruined by watching an extra hour of TV once in awhile or not having a perfectly balanced dinner every night.

I'm still learning though, and when I do mess up or realize that I'm not setting the example for you I would like, it can be hard to pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep going. I want so badly to do what's best - for you and for me, but I'm afraid I'll do more damage by not acknowledging and accepting my mistakes than I will in making them.

Love you both dearly-

Mama