Dear Kids,
When you get older, make sure you keep trying new things and sign up for things that you know will challenge you. Last weekend I participated in a charity event that involved weeks of training and fundraising and walking nearly 60 miles in just 3 days. The night before it started I was convinced that I couldn't do it and would have to quit at some point.
I did it.
I walked every step of that 57.2 miles, and I couldn't be prouder of myself. I needed this girls. The doldrums have been hanging around for quite awhile now, and I needed to prove to myself that I could do something big - something impossible.
And now that I better remember what I'm capable of it's harder to let the negative thoughts win as often. I'm trying hard to be OK my sweet girls. Doing this helped some, but we may not be out of the woods entirely just yet.
Keep pushing yourselves though. Don't assume that anything is impossible. And remember that when I give you advice? I'm usually also talking to myself.
Love,
Mama
Friday, August 15, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Moments
Dear Kids,
I've been in kind of a funk lately. I suspect that I'm being too hard on myself, but I can't seem to get past the feeling that I'm failing. Failing as a mom, a wife, in my job, basically just all around.
As I've gotten older I've come to see that failing isn't always a bad thing. You can learn a lot from your failures, and it's actually important to fail at some things in life so you can learn how to pick yourself back up and try again. Unfortunately for me, I've tried to avoid learning this lesson at all costs. I generally try to stick to things that come easily for me, and for better or worse I've been able to coast through most of my life without failing too often or trying too hard.
When I was little, I had a device called a Speak 'N' Spell. It had several word & letter games, but the one I remember the most was essentially a 10 word spelling quiz. It would say the word, and then you had to type it in. At the end of the quiz it would tell you how many you got right and wrong. If you got all 10 words right it would say, "Perfect score."
I loved to hear those words, even as a kid. I hated getting even one word wrong. I'm not sure I can remember why it meant so much to me, but I got so bothered by misspelling even one word that I would turn the thing off as soon as I missed one. I would rather quit than hear it tell me I missed even one question. A little insane, no?
I've grown a lot since then, and I no longer just give up as soon as I make a mistake. But the tendencies are still there. When I know I've messed up somehow my first instinct is to quit, to give up. But now... that's just not an option. More than anything else in my life up until know, you are teaching me persistence. You're teaching me that it's OK to make mistakes. That the world won't end, and your lives won't be ruined by watching an extra hour of TV once in awhile or not having a perfectly balanced dinner every night.
I'm still learning though, and when I do mess up or realize that I'm not setting the example for you I would like, it can be hard to pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep going. I want so badly to do what's best - for you and for me, but I'm afraid I'll do more damage by not acknowledging and accepting my mistakes than I will in making them.
Love you both dearly-
Mama
I've been in kind of a funk lately. I suspect that I'm being too hard on myself, but I can't seem to get past the feeling that I'm failing. Failing as a mom, a wife, in my job, basically just all around.
As I've gotten older I've come to see that failing isn't always a bad thing. You can learn a lot from your failures, and it's actually important to fail at some things in life so you can learn how to pick yourself back up and try again. Unfortunately for me, I've tried to avoid learning this lesson at all costs. I generally try to stick to things that come easily for me, and for better or worse I've been able to coast through most of my life without failing too often or trying too hard.
When I was little, I had a device called a Speak 'N' Spell. It had several word & letter games, but the one I remember the most was essentially a 10 word spelling quiz. It would say the word, and then you had to type it in. At the end of the quiz it would tell you how many you got right and wrong. If you got all 10 words right it would say, "Perfect score."
I loved to hear those words, even as a kid. I hated getting even one word wrong. I'm not sure I can remember why it meant so much to me, but I got so bothered by misspelling even one word that I would turn the thing off as soon as I missed one. I would rather quit than hear it tell me I missed even one question. A little insane, no?
I've grown a lot since then, and I no longer just give up as soon as I make a mistake. But the tendencies are still there. When I know I've messed up somehow my first instinct is to quit, to give up. But now... that's just not an option. More than anything else in my life up until know, you are teaching me persistence. You're teaching me that it's OK to make mistakes. That the world won't end, and your lives won't be ruined by watching an extra hour of TV once in awhile or not having a perfectly balanced dinner every night.
I'm still learning though, and when I do mess up or realize that I'm not setting the example for you I would like, it can be hard to pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep going. I want so badly to do what's best - for you and for me, but I'm afraid I'll do more damage by not acknowledging and accepting my mistakes than I will in making them.
Love you both dearly-
Mama
Friday, June 20, 2008
One and Three Quarters
Dear Jenny,
This week you turned the ripe old age of 21 (months), and you're acting more and more toddlerish every day.
You've gotten taller (some of your dresses are now mini-skirts) and your hair's gotten longer (though I still have no idea what to do with it - it hangs in your eyes and drives your grandpa crazy). I think you have a full set of baby teeth at this point, though it's hard to tell. You don't really let us look in your mouth, and teething has never bothered you much.
The biggest changes I've seen in you though have been in what you're doing these days. We hear new words come out of your mouth every day. (You just said your sister's name yesterday - much to our surprise & delight!) Some of the words are probably only intelligible to us (I defy anyone else out there to figure out what "cof-cof" is.) But it's clear that you know so much and are working so hard to express yourself. And you are so proud when you point to something and name it correctly. You do still think everyone's name is the same as yours though.
You're also doing lots of other things. You can stack blocks to make towers. You "read" books to yourself. You can do your wooden puzzles (though you prefer taking the pieces out to putting them back in). You've discovered the world of coloring, though sometimes you just like to take out the crayons and put them back in the box one at a time. You dance. You sing. You try to jump, stretching out on your tiptoes, though your feet never leave the ground.
Basically every day I'm with you I fall in love with you a little more. Each moment, good or bad, entwines us a little more tightly. I don't always feel like I'm doing a good job of being your mom baby girl, but I'm doing the best I can. And I can't express in words how precious you are to me, and how much I want to be the mom you need.
Love always-
Mama
This week you turned the ripe old age of 21 (months), and you're acting more and more toddlerish every day.
You've gotten taller (some of your dresses are now mini-skirts) and your hair's gotten longer (though I still have no idea what to do with it - it hangs in your eyes and drives your grandpa crazy). I think you have a full set of baby teeth at this point, though it's hard to tell. You don't really let us look in your mouth, and teething has never bothered you much.
The biggest changes I've seen in you though have been in what you're doing these days. We hear new words come out of your mouth every day. (You just said your sister's name yesterday - much to our surprise & delight!) Some of the words are probably only intelligible to us (I defy anyone else out there to figure out what "cof-cof" is.) But it's clear that you know so much and are working so hard to express yourself. And you are so proud when you point to something and name it correctly. You do still think everyone's name is the same as yours though.
You're also doing lots of other things. You can stack blocks to make towers. You "read" books to yourself. You can do your wooden puzzles (though you prefer taking the pieces out to putting them back in). You've discovered the world of coloring, though sometimes you just like to take out the crayons and put them back in the box one at a time. You dance. You sing. You try to jump, stretching out on your tiptoes, though your feet never leave the ground.
Basically every day I'm with you I fall in love with you a little more. Each moment, good or bad, entwines us a little more tightly. I don't always feel like I'm doing a good job of being your mom baby girl, but I'm doing the best I can. And I can't express in words how precious you are to me, and how much I want to be the mom you need.
Love always-
Mama
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Trying
Dear Kids,
Today has not been a good day.
It started out great - Kori slept 8 hours straight last night (yippee!) and then went back to sleep for nearly another 4 hours not long after she woke up. However, that actually has been part of the problem.
See, I had all of these plans for what we might do today. It's a beautiful day here, so I thought we might walk to the park, play on the playground - maybe even take lunch with us and have a picnic. But since Kori was sleeping so well, I hesitated to wake her. So instead Jenny watched Sesame Street & I worked. Then we looked for other things to do. I pumped and flossed my teeth. We read books and I don't even know what. Then Kori woke up.
She was naturally hungry at this point, but this is also when things really started to head south. See, it was lunch time for the rest of us too, and while I was feeding Kori (and thus unable to effectively get up and chase Jenny around the house), chaos took over.
Jenny, sweetheart, please know that I love you dearly, but you can sometimes get on my last nerve. You pulled out magazines, envelopes, and shredded bits of paper from the recycling. (Oh, and ate a few pieces of shredded paper.) You pulled cushions off of chairs, threw books and toys all over the floor, pulled out cookbooks and recipes from a box, tormented a cat, and the final straw - climbed up onto the arm of a rocking chair. Every time I managed to get you down (using one arm & a leg - I should be an acrobat) you laughed maniacally and headed right back. I'm sorry if got a little rough at times in pulling you back, but you were really starting to make me mad!
I know that in the grand scheme of things this is nothing. In fact your behavior is entirely normal, understandable, and predictable at this point. It isn't new. So why does it still get to me? I feel guilty that we didn't get to have our fun morning at the park (though I'm glad I hadn't told you what I was planning). But I'm also aware that it's essentially by my choice that we didn't get to do that. I could have awoken the baby - she probably would have slept in the stroller anyway. But I didn't. I don't know why.
Lunch wasn't much better though. You always want whatever I'm having (again, nothing new here) - maybe you're just testing me to see if I'll actually give you whatever you want if you scream loudly enough? I don't know. By the end there was food everywhere and both of you were screaming.
All of this is perfectly normal on the part of both of you, so why does it get to me so much? I think maybe when you scream & cry I feel like I'm messing up or making a mistake somehow - maybe even hurting you. I know that's silly - in fact the opposite is sometimes true. I'm going to have to make decisions that are in your best interest - but you won't like them. You'll probably both scream and cry and tell me I'm not fair and that you hate me. But I'll know those decisions are the right thing to do.
The screaming & crying & throwing things & making giant messes also make me feel like I'm failing as a parent somehow. Like if I were a "good" mom you would never do those things. Again, totally irrational, right? You're babies for crying out loud! All of that is what you do!
So, I have no deep thoughts or nifty way to wrap things up here. I just needed to process the morning/afternoon's events a little bit to pull myself out of this feeling like I suck. Maybe one day reading this will help you realize the same thing, or maybe this post is just one to skip in the scrapbook. Who knows? I do know that this mom thing is testing me and teaching me in ways I never could have expected. Not sure I like that sometimes, but I think I'll end up being a better person for it.
Love always-
Mama
Today has not been a good day.
It started out great - Kori slept 8 hours straight last night (yippee!) and then went back to sleep for nearly another 4 hours not long after she woke up. However, that actually has been part of the problem.
See, I had all of these plans for what we might do today. It's a beautiful day here, so I thought we might walk to the park, play on the playground - maybe even take lunch with us and have a picnic. But since Kori was sleeping so well, I hesitated to wake her. So instead Jenny watched Sesame Street & I worked. Then we looked for other things to do. I pumped and flossed my teeth. We read books and I don't even know what. Then Kori woke up.
She was naturally hungry at this point, but this is also when things really started to head south. See, it was lunch time for the rest of us too, and while I was feeding Kori (and thus unable to effectively get up and chase Jenny around the house), chaos took over.
Jenny, sweetheart, please know that I love you dearly, but you can sometimes get on my last nerve. You pulled out magazines, envelopes, and shredded bits of paper from the recycling. (Oh, and ate a few pieces of shredded paper.) You pulled cushions off of chairs, threw books and toys all over the floor, pulled out cookbooks and recipes from a box, tormented a cat, and the final straw - climbed up onto the arm of a rocking chair. Every time I managed to get you down (using one arm & a leg - I should be an acrobat) you laughed maniacally and headed right back. I'm sorry if got a little rough at times in pulling you back, but you were really starting to make me mad!
I know that in the grand scheme of things this is nothing. In fact your behavior is entirely normal, understandable, and predictable at this point. It isn't new. So why does it still get to me? I feel guilty that we didn't get to have our fun morning at the park (though I'm glad I hadn't told you what I was planning). But I'm also aware that it's essentially by my choice that we didn't get to do that. I could have awoken the baby - she probably would have slept in the stroller anyway. But I didn't. I don't know why.
Lunch wasn't much better though. You always want whatever I'm having (again, nothing new here) - maybe you're just testing me to see if I'll actually give you whatever you want if you scream loudly enough? I don't know. By the end there was food everywhere and both of you were screaming.
All of this is perfectly normal on the part of both of you, so why does it get to me so much? I think maybe when you scream & cry I feel like I'm messing up or making a mistake somehow - maybe even hurting you. I know that's silly - in fact the opposite is sometimes true. I'm going to have to make decisions that are in your best interest - but you won't like them. You'll probably both scream and cry and tell me I'm not fair and that you hate me. But I'll know those decisions are the right thing to do.
The screaming & crying & throwing things & making giant messes also make me feel like I'm failing as a parent somehow. Like if I were a "good" mom you would never do those things. Again, totally irrational, right? You're babies for crying out loud! All of that is what you do!
So, I have no deep thoughts or nifty way to wrap things up here. I just needed to process the morning/afternoon's events a little bit to pull myself out of this feeling like I suck. Maybe one day reading this will help you realize the same thing, or maybe this post is just one to skip in the scrapbook. Who knows? I do know that this mom thing is testing me and teaching me in ways I never could have expected. Not sure I like that sometimes, but I think I'll end up being a better person for it.
Love always-
Mama
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Helicopters
Dear Jenny-
A few days ago we were playing outside (which around here generally means the front porch and driveway - at least until you get a little more adventurous), and you were doing your typical things. Trying to pop bubbles, climbing up and down the porch steps, and picking things up off of the ground and handing them to me.
In theory I don't mind the picking things up deal - I want you to be curious and explore the world. But in practice it means that you're picking up dirt, rocks, pieces of asphalt, and bits of plants or who knows what. I don't consider myself a germophobe, but there's a limit to how many blobs of dirt I want to handle or pry out of your mouth.
Anyway, this particular day it had rained quite a bit earlier, and there were helicopters all over the ground. These are the seeds of some tree or another (I don't really have a green thumb either you'll find), but they twirl like the blades of a helicopter when they fall to the ground. And if you pick them up and toss them into the air they'll twirl like that again. I realized when you picked the first one up and handed it to me that I hadn't thought about these little seeds in a very long time. It almost felt like I hadn't even seen one in years, though I know that isn't true.
I was a little amazed at the fact that I remembered anything about these things, but it was instantaneous. As soon as you picked it up I started talking, and then I tried to get your attention to show you how they fluttered to the ground. Being a typical toddler you didn't seem to care too much. You thought it was neat, but then you were on to the next bit of dirt. But I stayed wrapped up in the wonder of the little helicopters for awhile. I'm not sure why.
The best explanation I can come up with is that for a few moments I felt like a kid again myself. I was nearly transported back in time to the last time I played with helicopters, and how awed I was that they could move like they do. It's one of the hidden benefits of being a parent I think - getting random chances to revisit your childhood like that. I never expected it, but I liked it. It's easy to forget the simple but happy things like that.
So I guess the moral of the story is to pick up all the random stuff off of the ground you like - you never know what you'll find, and anything can lead to an adventure, even if it's just in your mom's head. Just please stop trying to put it all in your mouth, OK?
Love,
Mama
A few days ago we were playing outside (which around here generally means the front porch and driveway - at least until you get a little more adventurous), and you were doing your typical things. Trying to pop bubbles, climbing up and down the porch steps, and picking things up off of the ground and handing them to me.
In theory I don't mind the picking things up deal - I want you to be curious and explore the world. But in practice it means that you're picking up dirt, rocks, pieces of asphalt, and bits of plants or who knows what. I don't consider myself a germophobe, but there's a limit to how many blobs of dirt I want to handle or pry out of your mouth.
Anyway, this particular day it had rained quite a bit earlier, and there were helicopters all over the ground. These are the seeds of some tree or another (I don't really have a green thumb either you'll find), but they twirl like the blades of a helicopter when they fall to the ground. And if you pick them up and toss them into the air they'll twirl like that again. I realized when you picked the first one up and handed it to me that I hadn't thought about these little seeds in a very long time. It almost felt like I hadn't even seen one in years, though I know that isn't true.
I was a little amazed at the fact that I remembered anything about these things, but it was instantaneous. As soon as you picked it up I started talking, and then I tried to get your attention to show you how they fluttered to the ground. Being a typical toddler you didn't seem to care too much. You thought it was neat, but then you were on to the next bit of dirt. But I stayed wrapped up in the wonder of the little helicopters for awhile. I'm not sure why.
The best explanation I can come up with is that for a few moments I felt like a kid again myself. I was nearly transported back in time to the last time I played with helicopters, and how awed I was that they could move like they do. It's one of the hidden benefits of being a parent I think - getting random chances to revisit your childhood like that. I never expected it, but I liked it. It's easy to forget the simple but happy things like that.
So I guess the moral of the story is to pick up all the random stuff off of the ground you like - you never know what you'll find, and anything can lead to an adventure, even if it's just in your mom's head. Just please stop trying to put it all in your mouth, OK?
Love,
Mama
Friday, May 30, 2008
One Month
Dear Kori-
You have reached the ripe old age of one month, and I'm already learning so much about you. It may not come as a surprise to you, but you are very different from your sister in many ways. This is a good thing, that you are both so special and unique. But even though I like to think that I'm pretty smart, it's taking me awhile to learn that we need to parent you differently than we parent your sister. I suspect we'll always be figuring this out - how to do what's best for each of you, especially when that may look very different and may not seem like we're being fair. Please know that we're trying to give you what you need based on you, and not on making things completely even between you & your sister.
You will probably laugh at the things I choose to worry about, but honestly I'm currently convinced that you sleep too much. Really! You are doing so well and sleeping for such long stretches of time (3 hour naps, 5 or 6 hours at night), that I wonder if you're eating enough when you're awake or at times if you're still breathing. I think you get some of this from your Dad. He is an incredibly deep sleeper, and you certainly don't seem to be bothered by any noises when you're out. Anyway, I guess I'll always be looking for things to worry about. I'll do my best to keep it from getting out of control, and I'm working on just enjoying you instead.
And there's a lot to enjoy! I didn't really know what to expect you to be like other than knowing you probably wouldn't be like Jenny. We didn't even know if you were a boy or a girl. So I've really loved getting to know you. I love your eyes, the way you look around as if you're completed surprised by the world and everything you see, the way you sleep on my chest after you eat, and pretty much everything about you. Maybe that's why I worry about your sleeping - I'm anxious to get to know you more and you're rarely awake for us to "talk"!
I'm rambling now. Hopefully in the future I'll have more interesting things to say about what you're doing and what's going through my head. Right now I'm just in awe that you're here with us finally. And I consider myself incredibly blessed to be your mom.
love-
Mama
You have reached the ripe old age of one month, and I'm already learning so much about you. It may not come as a surprise to you, but you are very different from your sister in many ways. This is a good thing, that you are both so special and unique. But even though I like to think that I'm pretty smart, it's taking me awhile to learn that we need to parent you differently than we parent your sister. I suspect we'll always be figuring this out - how to do what's best for each of you, especially when that may look very different and may not seem like we're being fair. Please know that we're trying to give you what you need based on you, and not on making things completely even between you & your sister.
You will probably laugh at the things I choose to worry about, but honestly I'm currently convinced that you sleep too much. Really! You are doing so well and sleeping for such long stretches of time (3 hour naps, 5 or 6 hours at night), that I wonder if you're eating enough when you're awake or at times if you're still breathing. I think you get some of this from your Dad. He is an incredibly deep sleeper, and you certainly don't seem to be bothered by any noises when you're out. Anyway, I guess I'll always be looking for things to worry about. I'll do my best to keep it from getting out of control, and I'm working on just enjoying you instead.
And there's a lot to enjoy! I didn't really know what to expect you to be like other than knowing you probably wouldn't be like Jenny. We didn't even know if you were a boy or a girl. So I've really loved getting to know you. I love your eyes, the way you look around as if you're completed surprised by the world and everything you see, the way you sleep on my chest after you eat, and pretty much everything about you. Maybe that's why I worry about your sleeping - I'm anxious to get to know you more and you're rarely awake for us to "talk"!
I'm rambling now. Hopefully in the future I'll have more interesting things to say about what you're doing and what's going through my head. Right now I'm just in awe that you're here with us finally. And I consider myself incredibly blessed to be your mom.
love-
Mama
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Beginning
Dear Kids,
I'm still new at this parenting thing (< 2 years in), and as I go I'm realizing that it's not getting any easier. So since you may look back on this venture and wonder what on earth I was thinking, I thought the best way to begin would be to explain why I feel the need to do this in the first place.
First, I hope this will be a useful record of what I am thinking. There are days when I wonder that about myself, so maybe this way we'll all be able to figure out what happened. But also, I'm keenly aware that there's no way I'm going to be able to remember everything I want to tell you. Everything from cute things you said or did, the number of times I got supremely annoyed at you, or just words of wisdom I want to pass on - there's no chance that my brain can hold it all. So here you go - all of that in one big everlasting gobstopper for your personal consumption.
So then why share all this with anyone & everyone who cares to read it? Well, because I'm also learning that parenting is a lonely journey sometimes. It's so easy to assume that everyone else has it all figured out and that you're the only one struggling to get out of your pajamas by dinner time. But you know what? You're never alone. Really. There is always someone out there somewhere who knows what it's like, who has been there before. (There's my first piece of wisdom by the way.) By making this all public I'm hoping that I'll find other parents out there who can reassure me that I'm not crazy after all, and I'm also hoping that others will get that same reassurance from me.
I certainly don't have all of the answers. In fact I don't believe that's even possible. Instead I give you this - my process, my journey, my story. Welcome aboard little ones. It's going to be a bumpy ride, but I'll be there with you the whole way.
Love always,
Mama
I'm still new at this parenting thing (< 2 years in), and as I go I'm realizing that it's not getting any easier. So since you may look back on this venture and wonder what on earth I was thinking, I thought the best way to begin would be to explain why I feel the need to do this in the first place.
First, I hope this will be a useful record of what I am thinking. There are days when I wonder that about myself, so maybe this way we'll all be able to figure out what happened. But also, I'm keenly aware that there's no way I'm going to be able to remember everything I want to tell you. Everything from cute things you said or did, the number of times I got supremely annoyed at you, or just words of wisdom I want to pass on - there's no chance that my brain can hold it all. So here you go - all of that in one big everlasting gobstopper for your personal consumption.
So then why share all this with anyone & everyone who cares to read it? Well, because I'm also learning that parenting is a lonely journey sometimes. It's so easy to assume that everyone else has it all figured out and that you're the only one struggling to get out of your pajamas by dinner time. But you know what? You're never alone. Really. There is always someone out there somewhere who knows what it's like, who has been there before. (There's my first piece of wisdom by the way.) By making this all public I'm hoping that I'll find other parents out there who can reassure me that I'm not crazy after all, and I'm also hoping that others will get that same reassurance from me.
I certainly don't have all of the answers. In fact I don't believe that's even possible. Instead I give you this - my process, my journey, my story. Welcome aboard little ones. It's going to be a bumpy ride, but I'll be there with you the whole way.
Love always,
Mama
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